I think it’s fair to say that all of us who suffer with various mental health conditions can understand the true crippling meaning of a “bad day”. They’re the days when everything seems to uagainst you. The days when you don’t feel good enough of anyone or anything. The days when you don’t feel like anything will ever be okay ever again.
Today for me has ended up as one of those days. everything started off fine. I got up with my anxiety bubbling on a low heat. I woke up to an empty house which, due to my emetophobia and health anxiety, is usually an absolute nightmare. But I held it together and managed to get ready without too many deep breaths and random limb jerks. I had to go into town and get some bits for work. I held it together despite a phonecall telling me that my Godson needed picking up from school with a suspected stomach bug. Just for the record, never talk to an emetophobic about stomach bugs, they’re our kryptonite. I managed to make it through my shift despite feeling trapped and smothered by the stress in my job at the minute.
In fact I was having a pretty good day until I got home and me and my partner had finished our tea. Now, I’d just like to say that none of this is strictly my boyfriend’s fault. He can be a dick at times but can’t they all. Now I’m the type of anxious wreck that is embarrassed by the way my mind works. So if I’m worrying about something that I know is pretty irrational, I hold it in so no one can know how “crazy” I am. There’s also a part of me that wants them to work it out for themselves, like some kind of test that’s impossible to pass. Now I know that its completely ridiculous to expect that but my brain enjoys tormenting me.
My first ever relationship was pure poison. He was mentally abusive, he destroyed my confidence, he cheated, he lied and he made me lose all faith in men and relationships. I stuck it out for 6 years before I walked and then stayed single for 4 and a half years after that. This is my first serious relationship since then. It’s hard for me to keep a rational mind.
When my boyfriend is tired and falls asleep before we can have sex, I immediately think of my ex who never touched me for 4 years because he found me too fat and ugly and because he didn’t trust me not to get pregnant and kill like last time.
When my boyfriend shrugs me off in his sleep I remember my ex who was apparently disgusted by my touch.
When he mentions another girls name I remember my ex who has God knows how many girls on the go behind my back.
When he tells me something I wonder how I know he isn’t lying.
When he pulls me close I wonder for a split sexond whether he’s going to hit me or hold me.
And when he tells me loves me more than anything I wonder how long it will be before he hates me.
Sometimes I feel like I should sit him and down and explain all of this. Other times I know I can’t. Deep down I know he would never hurt me, physically or mentally and certainly not intentionally. But old habits die hard. And it’s terrifying and debilitating and it makes you wonder if you’ll ever relax and enjoy the ride.
And that’s where I am tonight. It feels much better to let it out and for the time being I see my boyfriend for what he really is. A hardworking, loving, caring, hilarious man who actually feels as though I benefit his life. So maybe I am lucky. And maybe I’ll hold him extra hard tonight.
Over and out.