Recently my job has become far too much for me to bear. It’s ironic, I’ve flogged my tits off at the same job for the last (almost) eight years. I’ve started on the very bottom rung, taking all the shit that no one else will, doing the shifts no one else wants. And I’ve done it all quietly, professionally and thoroughly. All to save up precious Brownie points that will push me up that ladder and get me closer to the top. And now I’m there. There’s literally no higher I can climb. I am the boss. And I despise every minute.
It’s not the job itself. It’s not the responsibility. It’s not my staff. It’s all of those combined.
I have, shall we say, a board above me. So in the long run, any decision I make is scrutinised by them. Any money I want to spend on what is essentially my business has to be run past them. Any time I want to discipline staff, I have to ask them first. This infuriates me. Not because I want to be God in the small business world. But because they haven’t got a clue!
Recently I was away from work for a few days. And a colleague stole money from the business. I reported it, as you would. She was let off with a “telling off”. And I was enraged. She’s done it again since, but she says she’s “borrowing”. And she feels like she can because they went over my head and basically told her it was okay. Bullshit.
I was given a budget for organising events for the company. I managed to get things done cheaper than expected, but of a very high quality. When they didn’t immediately bear fruit, they went above my head and cancelled the lot. Now they’re telling me I cant spend any money on events, stock, advertising…literally sweet FA. And now I’m being pulled in front of them because my “enthusiasm has gone”. Are they surprised?! Bullshit.
After spending years flogging my tits off, they’ve cut me down to part time hours. Not low enough so I can get another job, or any financial help. But not enough to actually live comfortably. Put it this way, this is my main source of income. I have that many responsibilities its nigh on impossible for me to get another job. I am already in debt from losing my main job years ago, when this job was only part time. The worst of it is….this is not what I wanted. And I earn less than £8000 per year. Grim.
I wanted to go to uni. I wanted a medical degree. I wanted to bring life into the world. I was desperate to be a midwife. When I left school, I paid attention to the wrong person. The one who told me I didn’t have it in me, I wasn’t clever enough, I wasn’t strong enough, I would be a liability. And now I’m stuck in a shitty job that makes me anxious, affects my health, makes me feel like I’m failing every god damn day. I can’t go back to education cos I can’t afford not to work and I’m not earning enough to put even the smallest amount away when all my outgoings are paid out. I’m living in the red all the time. It’s shite.
So if you want something. Please go for it! You can do it. You are enough. You are not stupid. You do have it in you. You can achieve that dream. DO IT! DON’T WASTE THOSE OPPORTUNITIES!
One of the best things I’ve ever heard has recently started playing a much bigger part of my life. And it was said by Eleanor Roosevelt.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
She knew the craic did our Eleanor. She was a very wise woman. So take it in. Read it again and again until you can’t see anything else in your mind. Read it til it pushes every doubt out. Tell yourself you’re awesome! Get out there and show the world you’re not to be messed with!
And in the meantime, you let me know if you see any jobs going. Cos one day, I’ll get my dream too 🙂
Over and out!